Cancerland Insomnia

I have never been really good friends with sleep. It sucks. My husband and sleep are bestest friends. Sleep comes to him before his head hits the pillow and takes him to dreamland peacefully. I have had problems with sleep since childhood. Mom says I used to walk in my sleep and high school was full of months and months of nights with only 3 or 4 hours of sleep. I finally had found a good schedule and had only had a couple of episodes with insomnia in a year (nothing short of a miracle there!!) For me, sleep is an evasive presence that makes me turn into some of the many characters here in Cancerland. Like Disney, we have characters that walk around Cancerland, but they don't shake hands, hug you and you definetly don't want to take pictures with them. Our characters chase you, beat you, exhaust you and try to cause as much terror as they can. Most of the characters are played by yours truly and its usually not too much fun. There is Captain Crank, whom I hate the most. He usually comes out when the insomnia first starts. He is mean, negative and just unpleasant. He really pisses me off because I usually have no reason to put on the cranky pants and I can't make him go away. He makes me imagine pushing Mom's wheelchair into heavy traffic or at least a wall or two. He also makes me think that she could walk, she just likes being pushed. I have to think that the walk is too far for her, because if I ever found out she was making me push her when she could do it on her own, I think I really will lose it. Captain Crank generally comes out when, before I have had my first sip of coffee, my darling Mother walks out of her bedroom at 6:30 in the morning and gives me something to do for her. No good morning, nothing. Just, "Here, I need this done." That just sets the tone for the entire day. I'm not gonna take it anymore. Every time I get mad at her I try to remind myself of what she is going through, but she isn't the only one going through this. She has to treat me better and I have to make her. I am learning that guilt trips affect her just as badly as they do me. I looked at her and told her, "Do you realize that is the third morning, in a row, that you haven't said good morning to me? Just given me something to do?" She must have felt bad, cuz she left me alone for the entire rest of the day. Which was nice. This morning I woke up at 5 and went out on the couch and had just started to fall asleep when she woke me up to ask if it was going to bother me if she took a shower. AAUUGHH!!

All this lack of sleep has brought out another character that I didn't know before. I call her Sierra Sobs-A-Lot. I am not one of those crying girls. Nope, just not me. I don't cry at movies or sappy commercials, nothing. But, oh, this week I found a new side of me. I don't even remember what set it off, but I cried for two and a half days. The first day, Pavel had to come home from work and take care of things. It was a bunch of stupid little things that all happened on the same day and I lost it. I thought I had a break down before, well, that was just a bump compared to this. She called me at work to ask how to put HER crock pot on warm!!! She asks me at least once a day if it is going to bother us if she gets up at night to go to the bathroom. All this came to a head the day that Pavel (my hubby) had to come home. He came home to find both of us hiding in our bedrooms, me with my ET doll. If you know me at all, you know when ET comes out, its BAAAAD!! Ya, ya. I know. I am 34 years old and still have my woobie. Whatever. Never gonna give him up. Pavel had to sit Mom down and explain to her that if Layele (that's me) breaks, the whole of Cancerland will break. That he knows she is lonely, but if I don't get a break from her, I was going to end up insane. More so than I already am, that is. Jerk had to throw that in there, too. His talk with Mom seems to kinda have helped. She still thinks of herself first and everyone else last, but she is helping more and doing more for herself. Maybe. She said she was going to do our laundry so I didn't have too, but guess who is doing laundry on her only day off? Yup, me. I just can't seem to find anything positive to say about her this time. I am so pissed at her for waking me up this morning, that I am having a hard time being nice to her at all. Why would you wake someone up that was having a hard time sleeping? And its your daughter. I thought moms were supposed to care more about their kids more than themselves. I see that in other peoples moms, but not mine. Here I am, doing everything I can to help save her life and she can't even let me sleep? What is wrong with this picture? Did I give up my right to be treated well when I said I would be her caregiver? Does me being her caregiver give her the right to treat me like her servant instead of her daughter? I don't even know if I should post this blog. I feel that you should not speak badly of your family to strangers, but I also want to inform anyone who might be thinking about being a caregiver what they might go through.

It just seems that the world is conspiring against me the last couple of weeks. I can't sleep, therefore I have no energy, therefore my garage is still full of her stuff and I can't get to the stuff that relaxes me. My power tools. Oh, I miss them. I had just gotten them for my birthday in September and Mom got diagnosed in September, so I haven't even gotten to play with them. I went to the doctor for some help with the insomnia and the crying jags and she prescribed me Celexa, an anti depressant with a side effect of insomnia, and Lunesta, a sleep aid that doesn't work for me and has a annoying side effect of yawning. So now I still can't sleep and I yawn every 5 minutes and my mother has reverted to an 8 year old who can't make any decisions for herself. I still have so much to do and no energy to do it. I never realized how much there was to do when someone has an illness like this. Power of Attorney, Living Will, Medicare and insurance papers. Bone marrow biopsies, transplant info gathering, sorting through her stuff, watching her cry, watching her get poked and prodded, taking her to all her doctor visits, it never ends. And then there is the emotional part, which I was never good at anyway. Having to make her make the decision on what to do if she becomes unresponsive. Does she want me to keep her alive or just let her go. If you are reading this, you probably think the answer is easy, let me tell you, its not. She had to sign papers that say that if she becomes unresponsive, to let her die. It was hard just to watch her sign. I can't imagine how hard it was for her. Then that made me wonder if I would have the strength to pull the plug. I know I will have to, but damn, that's my mom. As frustrating and infuriating as she is, she is still my mommy. I am having to watch her waste away, she lost 50 lbs in 5 months, and I have to hold her when she cries and be strong for her, but I am still losing my mommy. I try to end these posts on positive notes, but I just can't seem to find one today. You'll have to forgive me.