Arguing with Myself

If any of you has tried to argue with me, you know its hard to get a word in, let alone win the damn thing, so you may have an idea of what is going on in my head. Mom, Lance (my brother) and I went to Mom's bone marrow transplant (BMT) consultation and learned alot. Like a BMT and recovery could take from 2 - 4 years. YEARS, people. I don't know if I signed up for years. There is still stuff I want to do with my life. Like a kid would be super cool. Imagine it. A little one that Pavel and I could mess up in our own special way. That kid would end up running the world. Its so nice to imagine. I have wanted one forever and now have everything I said I wanted when I have one. Married, check. Own house, check. Good job, check. Health insurance, check. Awesome dogs, check. Mother living in nursery, oh crap. I have always believed that you should take care of the ones that are here before you worry about ones that aren't even conceived yet, but 4 years? That would make me 38 and I know that it can be done at that age, but it gets harder the older you get. What is 4 years when you are talking about saving your Mom's life? But, then again, even if her BMT is successful, she still only has a 60% chance of living cancer free. 60% sucks as a test score, but for a survival rate its pretty good. But I want to be a mommy. But I want my mommy to live. This sucks. I know its not just me in this with Mom. I have 2 brothers, 1 sister, 2 aunts and an uncle, cousins and nieces and nephews, but they are all in MI and if I ship Mom up there, does that make me a failure? Does that mean that I am giving up on her? Will she think that? Does that mean that my life and what I want is more important than hers? If she is to stay down here and go through all this BMT crap, could I live with her 24/7 and not go mad? Like padded room insane? Am I gonna disappoint my brothers and sister if I say, "I'm done"? Are they gonna be mad at me? In my heart, I know the answers to the last two. My brothers and sister love me, they won't be mad or disappointed, but it doesn't stop the nagging nasty thoughts that sit in the back of my head and wait for the moment when my guard is down so that they can batter me with this stupid crap again. I tell myself that its ok to think about my life and what I want from it, that its not putting myself first, its just being practical. But when I do think of all I want from life, there just doesn't seem to be a way to do everything. We don't have room for a baby right now and I couldn't take care of Mom and a baby, anyway. Then I start to think that I might not get to have a kid and that just brings me way down, cuz I have wanted a baby ever since my nieces were born. I don't know what to think anymore except, THIS SUCKS!!! What am I supposed to do now? Do I choose myself and my husband to put first, or do I put my mother first? I am so confused.