The Rest Of The Story

04-29-10
We had a meet and greet with Dr. Prichett, her doctor since she moved to Michigan, on Thursday and she had a CBC done. Dr. Prichett called Thursday night and said that Mom's platelets were low and she neeed to go to the ER. She is still there. Her fever keeps spiking (highest so far 103) and she has recieved 2 volumes (roughly 37 units total) of platelets and 4 units (62 total) of blood. She will be there again tonight. She is in good spirits.
05-02-10
Mom has come home from the hospital and is now settled into the Jackson house. She will not be going back to the hospital and is not recieving any more transfusions or medical intervention. All we can do now is make sure she is comfortable and not in pain. This is a difficult time for Mom and her family and we appreciate all of the thoughts and prayers from her family and friends.
05-05-10
She is still hanging in there. She got up and had breakfast with the family this morning, one of her favorites, biscuits and gravy. She is surrounded by so much love that it brings tears to the eye. My family and I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers. I'll keep updating y'all when I can.
05-08-10
Its the day after my Mothers 68th birthday and life is bittersweet. The whole family has been together off and on for the past two weeks and its been two of the best weeks of my life, but also the absolute worst two weeks I have ever had. I don't even remember the date that we got here or even the first day we got here. We flew in on a Wednesday and went to her new doctor's office and lab for her weekly blood test on Thursday. By Thursday nite, the doctor had called and told us to take her to the ER, as her platelets were dangerously low. She stayed there for a week and a half, got a few more rounds of blood and platelets, keeping her going until my brother, Jay, could get here. She then decided to stop treatment completely and come home on hospice. At the time, I was so impatient for her to make the decision, that I failed to see how hard the decision had to be. As I sit by her beside now and watch her die, I finally realize how strong she really is. We have had to give her so many drugs, it would put down a horse and still, she fights. She has worn herself out, fighting this. And out of all of her kids, I would be the one to fight with her. I fought so hard to get away from her and now I have to force myself to leave her side. I have to fight myself to give her these drugs that turn her into a vegetable, which is what she was the most afraid of. She is a sundowner, which is what they call someone in Mom's condition, alive, but only technically, who becomes extremely restless when the sun goes down. Mom is going through the phase of dying called terminal restlessness. It could be the subconcious giving the last signals to the body to do something, before she dies. I imagine it as a soldier's moment of calm, as he looks around and realizes he is fighting a losing battle, but he gathers his courage and his last remaining strength and charges onward to his doom. The drugs we have to give her to keep her calm and in bed, where she can't fall or hurt herself, are extremely powerful and could be causing hallucinations, which are probably scaring her at night. I just remembered that open closet doors scare her and I shut the ones in her room, maybe that will help. She just yelled 'help me' and when I asked her what she wanted, she said 'water' and those are the first coherant words I have heard from her all day.
05-09-10
I thought yesterday was tough. It ain't nothing compared to the night. Its 3:30 a.m. and I haven't been to sleep yet. We got an hour of peace from Mom. She has had Ativan, Morphine and Haderol and is still kicking. From what my aunt, Charlett, a CNA and my girl Jess, an RN whom I miss terribly, she has had enough drugs to knock out a linebacker. I have tried movies, music, TV, I even tried to read the Bible to her and nothing calms her. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I keep giving her the drugs, though they don't seem to do much. The Celine Dion cd seems to be relaxing her, so I guess its worth the annoyance. This is the time when I get frustrated with her and everyone else. I know Charlett would get up and sit with her if I asked, but she is taking care of her mother too. I hope when she does wake up, that I can sleep all day. I doubt it, but I can hope. Closing the closet doors doesn't seem to have made any differance, but I don't think she even knows where she is. She keeps saying, 'Hurry, hurry' and that she has to go to the bathroom. I had to shoo Pavel out of the room so she would finally go and then Shawna and I had to change her diaper, which is no easy feat. Just when we got it in place, Shawna tried to pull it to adjust it and ripped it, so we had to start all over again. She has told Jay and I that she didn't want anymore rabbits in her room, the ones on the bed were okay, but no more. I hope that the memories of the last few weeks fade fast. I don't want to remember this. I don't even think I'll be able to look at a picture of her for a loooong time.
05-10-10
Mom lost her battle with leukemia yesterday. I really didn't know the meaning of the word bittersweet before now. I am happy that it is over, but sad that it took me so long to realize that she did love me, but had a different definition of love than I did. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to hold her down to keep her from getting out of bed and hurting herself. I KNOW she was embarassed to use a diaper and I KNOW she was mortified to have her daughters change it. I hope I don't remember the last few days. She cried for her mother at the end. I got her last kiss. She trusted me so much. When Dan came in the room and leaned over to talk to her she said, 'Brother, love you' She told me she loved me too. It was Shawna, Tanya and I in the room with her at the end. And so much for not looking at another picture of her. We went through the pictures that Grandmother set aside for her and had to pick out 30 pictures for a DVD for the Memorial Service and ended up with way more than 30. So Shawna and I are going to make posterboards tomorrow. Yay, fun!!! NOT!! I can't seem to keep to one train of thought. I know tonight is going to be another rough night. Every time I close my eyes, I see her. She was so strong. She did not want to give up. She was determined to get out of that bed. The nights terrified her. The minute the light started to change, she got agitated. The worst hours were between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m., she would just freak out. But every time I asked her to open her mouth for medicine and water, she would. I played 'Temporary Home' at the end for her, and not 10 seconds after that, she gasped her last breath, locked eyes with me and died. When I close my eyes to sleep, I see her gasping for breath and saying, 'Ow!' We tried to position her in every position we could think of, but she never was comfortable. She slept the most during the day, and so did I. Even when she was sleeping, she was gulping for breath. She even called 'Help me' over and over. And I was helpless. I see her asking me for help and there was nothing I could do for her. Nothing. I know in my head that there wasn't anything I could have done, but I still feel horrible. I tried to keep water in her, but the hospice nurse said that would actually make it harder for her. I gave her as much as I could and gave her ice chips. She was terrified of this stage. She told me that she knew what this disease would do at the end, and that was what scared her. We had talked about it months ago. I am really freaked out about going home. I want to come back to Michigan. I really miss being around my family. Like I said, this week has been bittersweet. I have had so much fun, but it came with a huge price tag. It was worth it. I wouldn't change anything about the last 9 months. It was painful and horrible, but also beautiful and inspiring.
05-12-10
I am finally on the flight home. I left on April 21 and now 22, days later, I get to go home. I would like nothing more than to shut my brain off and play Sims, but I must get the last couple of days down, before the memories fade. As I hoped, the memories of those last couple awful nights is receding. I can now go to sleep without seeing her so restless and scared or gasping for breath. The hurt is over for Mom, but the rest of us must go on. Her visitation and funeral were held at Chas. J. Burden's and Sons Funeral Home in Jackson, Mi, where my family has gone for generations. Mom was buried in Roseland, also in Jackson. I don't know how to feel now that she is gone. Its surreal. Part of me thinks I should be balling my eyes out, but another part of me feels relief. Relief that she is not hurting anymore. I have learned through all of this that my family, whom I have always considered rough around the edges and no fun, is actually a warm, loving family that rocks. I had so much fun the past three weeks that I find myself focusing on that instead of Mom's death. I shed tears when saying good bye to my aunts, the first time ever. I know that I am going home to an empty house. Pavel will be working alot and there aren't any kids around. There are always so many kids and Dan and Charlett's that I am going to have a hard time adjusting. We had a visitation for Mom on Wednesday. It amazed me how many people were actually expecting to view the body, which I consider morbid. We were asked if we wanted a viewing and Shawna and I stomped all over that idea. I realize that a viewing would have given some people closure, but she didn't look like Mom at the end. I didn't want anyone remembering her that way. The preacher asked if anyone from the family wanted to speak and no one volunteered at the meeting we had with him the day before the Memorial Service, but when I got home, I got a very sweet email story from one of Mom's friends that would have worked, so I called the preacher and told him I would speak. Then I went to write the speech out on notecards and realized it was kind of cheesy and overly religious and there would be no way I could make myself speak those words. So I wrote something and when I said it, everyone started to cry. Not what I meant to do, but it worked. I just listed the things she gave me. Brothers and a sister, aunts and uncles, grandparents and all my cousins. It took me until going through all this to realize that not only is family important, its essential. A couple people came up to me and said that they had wanted to say something about Mom, but couldn't after what I had said. Her very first boyfriend was there, the guy she shared her first kiss with, it was cool to meet him. Landing now and my ears hurt. I'll write about the burial later.
05-17-10
Been home for two days and today is the first day alone in my house and where am I? Hiding in the garage. Everywhere has memories of her. I can hardly bring myself to open her bedroom door. The two times I have tried, I leave the room crying. Everything makes me cry. I have been able to talk to Shawna and Tanya a little, cried both times, but I can't even get a word out if Charlett calls. We were talking about the Memorial Service and I said that this was the easy part, the hard part was done. Charlett told me that hard part was yet to come. The hard part for me was to go home to being alone after weeks of having them around. She was right. This is the hard part. I love my life with Pavel and love him more than I ever imagined loving someone. He is the only person in my life that can calm me by just being there. He has been phenominal through all this. But right now, everything just seems a little paler. Quieter. Calmer. I don't like it. I miss the people running in and out and the phone ringing. Except not here. The phone doesn't ring any more and there are no more doctors appointments to keep, no research to do and I am....lost. Her name is on every email I send at work and I spent the day crying off and on. They have no idea how to treat me at work and I have no idea how to treat them. They have all said that they missed my laughter and jokes. I think I have lost them. I can only smile around Pavel. I feel like he was there with me, so he is the only one that understands. I don't understand. I said that I miss the family more than I miss her, but that isn't completely true. She was the best mom she could have been, it was just that her definition of love was different than ours. Whatever she was or wasn't, she gave me Shawna, Lance and Jay. I would do it all over again, for them. Hell, yeah. This made me realize how important they are, I just wish I could talk to them without crying. My head hurts, I've been crying so much. I should drink some water, rehydrate. I just looked at the pictures of the burial. It was pretty simple. I read an email from Mom's best friend, Charlotte, and placed it and a stuffed twin teddy bear from Lana, Jay put something in there and it was sealed, lowered into the ground and buried. We all shed our tears and said goodbye. Then we started to scatter back to our lives. Sheryal, Leslie, Courtney and Hartlie left first. Then Dan, Tanya, Shawna, Lance, Jay and I went and had lunch on Mom. She told me that when it was all said and done, to buy everyone dinner on her. Lance left to go home, but I don't think he wanted to. I didn't want him to go. But we had lives to lead. Shawna left next and I didn't want her to leave, either. Finally it was mine and Tanya's turn. I did ok until Charlett hugged me and I lost it, just like I'm losing it now. I knew I was coming home to many long hours by myself. We went to Tanya's house and spent the night watching American Idol with her friend, Barb, whom I adore. Tanya was first out, in bed when Lindsey came home. I hung out with Lindsey until 2 am, had to be up be at least 7, but enjoyed every minute of it. Tanya drove me to the airport and I was all good until I got to my gate and had nothing to do. The magazine I was reading wasn't cutting it and then I called Lance to let him know that what got me stopped my security wasn't the cremains in my carry on, but the decorative crab his wife had given me. We laughed for a minute and said good bye. I was ok for a second, then Shawna called and I lost it. They started boarding as we were talking so we said good bye and I cried. I did ok until take off and cried some more as I looked out the window and saw the plane leaving them behind. I can get through this. I have Pavel, and he and I can do anything together. I have my puppies, who love me, and a family that is only a phone call away. I will be ok. Just give me some time. I find I don't want to talk or even chat on Facebook, which is REALLY unusual. I want to be left alone, but the silence deafens me. I went to Geena's tonight, thinking that being around people and little kids would help, but they weren't the right ones. I hope things get to normal soon. This is wierd.
05-20-10
Pavel brought doughnuts to work today. To soften the blow, I think. Will and the kids are moving to Alabama with Jay and Becky. Ryan is going to buy a house and they are going to go on honky dory, leaning on each other and here I am, again. THIS SUCKS!!! I never wanted to be around no family. Even when I lived in Sebring, Helen and Letcher were there and Jay and Becky were only 2 hrs away. Now its 8 and 22 hrs away from everybody. They will get to go to the birthday parties and graduations and I miss out on the kids growing up, again. Today actually started out decent too. Laughed some this morning with the girls at work. Carol said that she is sorry that I am sad and that my back hurts, but she wishes I would get better soon, because the office is too quiet now. I just can't make myself talk lately. At least not without crying. I went and got a massage today and cried. I hate crying, but I can't seem to stop. The more I cry, the more my back hurts. I think there is something wrong with my head. I was able to hang out in her room a little today and decided that the walls really need to be repainted, because the green she chose was.....ew. Just ew. Pavel agrees and Jay told me that he didn't like it either. We have the door open tonight and we'll see how I do. Last night was the first night without sleeping pills and I did okay. Missed my alarm for the second day in a row, though. I just wish I could find a balance. My head hurts. I'm drying the flowers from Mom's service. Gonna do something special with them.
08-13-10
It has been over 3 months since my Mom died. The house feels different. I spend most of my time when Pavel isn't home hanging out in the garage. It's funny. When he is home or Geena or Jessica are around, I'm okay. Its when I am by myself that the memories haunt me. I don't think I'm getting over this very well. I spent the time from when we found out that she had a chance until the minute she died helping her. I never stopped to think about what would happen after. I thought I would come back home and be able to put it in the back of my mind, like I did when Grandmother died. I just got it into my mind that Grandmother was jet skiing in Jamaca. I know she is dead, but now when I think of her, I picture her in an old time bathing suit on a jet ski and I smile. I can't seem to do that with Mom. Maybe its because I wasn't actually there when Grandmother died. I don't know. I can honestly say that I am living through a quasi-hell right now. I say quasi, because when I am with loved ones, I'm good, but by myself, it sucks. Or right around bedtime. Or Sunday nights. I haven't been alone on a Sunday night yet. Just the thought of it makes my skin crawl. And strangers touching me completely freaks me out now. I almost ran into a column because this girl I was walking next to got too close. And forget about shopping on the weekends or the mall at ANY time. Jess asked if it was because I had to be such a germaphobe when Mom was around, but I don't think that is it. I can't stand the thought of someone I don't know touching me. Pavel and I went to Jessica and Todd's house warming party and I was pretty much glued to Pavel's side. I have never been really big on people touching me anyway, but now its ridiculous. I either can't sleep or I sleep through nightmares that make me wake up feeling like I never went to sleep. There are two nightmares, one I had the first time in Michigan on the Thursday before Mom died. I dreamed that I was taking care of Mom while Shawna was fighting cancer, just like Mom. It was one of those dreams that you really cry in, where you wake up with a wet pillow and your eyes swollen shut. I've had that one a couple times, but usually I have to relive the last 3 days of Mom's life over and over. I am either trying to sleep by the foot of her bed or trying to hold her down. Every time I lay my head down to sleep, I hear her asking me how long I thought IT was going to take. Some mornings I wake up with a vague memory of the dream, but this morning, I remembered the whole thing. People tell me that I should just think about something else. What they don't understand is that I could fill my days and nights with all sorts of things, but she is always there, hanging out in a corner, waiting for me to see her again. And I can't remember the smiling, laughing Mom very well. It has gotten better, but I still can't have pictures of her up. I have flashbacks at certain words and phrases. The flashbacks are like a mini movie playing in my head, over and over. I just started group therapy 2 weeks ago and I'm still not sure about it. For one thing, put a pair of glasses on the facillitator and she is Mom. For another, I never really saw myself as a therapy kind of person. I don't know what a therapy kind of person is, I guess I never really thought about it. It's probably going to be good, but it seems to aggravate the nightmares and insomnia. This week we have to bring a picture of our Mom and a memory object. Great. I can't even look at a picture and she wants me to bring a memory object, too? We had to fill out the inevitable paper work and my name and address, all that was written with my usual neat handwriting, but Mom's name? It looked like a 3 year old wrote it. No last name, the first was all I could do. And of course, they wanted how your Mom died. Nice. I lost it right after the paper work was done and cried pretty much the whole time. The second week was easier, only a few tears and I talked more, but honestly, I was so exhausted, I didn't have the energy to cry. My usual nemesis, insomnia, has reared its ugly head again. It is 1:41 a.m. and where am I? In the garage, writing in my journal for the first time in months and seriously considering updating my blog while I'm at it. I have a good life. I have a phenominal husband, who always seems to know what to do to calm me. My girls, Geena and Jess, have been rocks. My family, now that I am finally able to talk to them wihout crying for hours afterward, has been great. I miss them so much it hurts. The good days are starting to outnumber the bad, which is progress. I cry and complain about the last year, but I wouldn't do anything differently. Even the #$%! I am going through now is worth the lessons that I learned. I learned that the family that I have been looking for has been there the whole time. I got to be part of a GREAT family coming together to care for one of thier own. I got her last kiss, she died looking into my eyes and those two memories alone are priceless to me. I got, for the first time in my adult life, to hang out with extended family around. I got to know my Aunt Tanya. That also is priceless. I think I'm still going to have rough days, but after writing this, I feel better about those days. And look forward to the good days. Yeah.