Izwoldo

As you travel through Cancerland, you must be wary. Not only is the info gray brick road fraught with twist, turns and landmines, there is also a demon. He is the Wicked Witch, the Evil Stepmother and Freddy Krueger all rolled into one. His name is Izwoldo and he is repulsive. Eight feet tall with green, scaly skin that is blistered and split from all of the evil, nasty thoughts that are just wanting to explode out of his body. His beady red eyes follow you throughout the day and well into the night, waiting, always waiting for you to let your guard down and let him in. When he does get in, he never leaves, he sits there and waits for a doctor or nurse to say, "Maybe she has..." It doesn't matter if you hear what the doctor says, it doesn't even matter if you process the information and relay it to your family. Izwoldo takes those first three words and flies with Superman speed through your brain and releases his poison. The poison spreads into every corner of your brain until you dream horrible things. You could be sitting at your desk at work, calmly doing your work, and his poison fogs your mind. Her body has erupted with nasty pustules and you have to clean her. You imagine coming home from work to find her in the bathtub with her wrists slit or finding her dead in her bed. If, like me, you have a fear of dead bodies, Izwoldo will use that and you will find yourself imagining all the different ways she could die. But worse than that, you find yourself imagining having to call your brothers and sister to tell them that thier mother has died. You imagine them saying that its all on your head. The funeral, memorial service, dealing with the body, its all your responsibility and they won't take off from work to come help you. Not that they can't, they WON'T. Or that they blame you for her death, that she was your responsibility and you didn't do your job of taking care of her. All you had to do was take care of her and you screwed up. Izwoldo will take every one of your fears and magnify it, twist it and amp it up to where you are tormented almost daily. And nightly. The nightmares are the worst you will ever have. Many of them are the ones where you know you are dreaming, but are powerless to wake up. He stands behind you and waits for you to get tired or sick and then makes you snap at your mother or worse, he makes you make her cry. He laughs when you have to tell her that she can't travel and she may never see her father again. He dances with delight when you have to explain to your niece that her Nana might not make it through this. And he whispers with putrid breath all your darkest fears. And makes you feel horrible for looking forward to the end, whatever it may be. He makes you feel guilty for enjoying the times when she is in the hospital and your life is almost normal for a couple days. He rarely leaves you alone and is always poised for attack. He does have bad days, however. Those are the moments that will get you through this. He isn't around when one of her friends from way back calls her and you get to stand outside her door and listen to the joy in her voice. He isn't there when you realize that this crazy situation may bring your dysfunctional family closer than ever. He bolts from the room when he sees that you are enjoying spending time with your mother. He cries in disbelief when he sees your brothers painting her room together and having fun at it. He throws himself on the floor and throws a temper tantrum worthy of any spoiled monster when he sees you and your brothers and sister playing a game of cards and hanging out as adults for the first time, (one of my BEST memories, EVER!!!) He screams in disbelief when your mother starts talking about when she gets better, instead of assuming the worst. Those times may be few and far between, but they make everything else worth it. Makes it worth every second. Those memories will warm your heart and make you smile, even through the darkest times.